I never say no.
At least not to the offer of a free book.
So when my contact at Blogads offered me a copy of a new novel, pursuant to the book being advertised on my bloggie, I said, “Yes, thanks! Mail it to me.”
The publisher’s hope in offering free copies, of course, was that I read the novel and write a positive review of it that they could excerpt on their website when the book goes on sale January 2nd.
Unfortunately, the novel, Sun Kissed by Catherine Anderson, is a romance novel.
I have been known to read and even like romance novels, at least those that have historical pretensions such as the page-turners of Victoria Holt (when I was 13) and Diana Galbadon. But romances are not my typical choice of reading entree. Or even dessert.
But I thought I’d try reading Sun Kissed because 1) the cover is subtle and doesn’t scream “cheesy romance inside;” 2) across the top of the book are the words “New York Times Bestselling Author;” and, 3) this book is part of Penguin Books’ new “Great Read Guaranteed” series (if you aren’t 100 percent satisfied with the story, you can send the book back to the publisher and get your money refunded, although only before March 2nd).
On a recent ride to Atlanta, I cracked Sun Kissed. After ten pages, I was hanging my head out the window, sucking in icy cold air. After twenty, my Coke was being regurgitated into my mouth. After 25 pages, I stopped reading and turned on some loud dance music. Eventually, Beyonce settled my stomach.
People (okay, my mother) are always telling me I could write this kind of novel. But, in truth, I couldn’t. I could plot it. I could create characters with depth. I could paint in bits of foreshadowing and subplot. But I couldn’t write with such nauseating cliche. Not even if you held a hot poker to the back of my neck and threatened to brand me with one of the following phrases: “what she saw made her blood run hot;” “the metallic taste of fear coated Samantha’s tongue;” “her heart pounding wildly and her body going clammy with sweat;” “he let loose a snarl of outrage;” “a lady no bigger than a minute;” “her sun-kissed, ivory complexion put him in mnd of peaches drizzled with cream;” and “he was handsome in a rugged way.”
I just can’t even go on. I’m sorry. The words just make me want to stuff cheap candy into my mouth until I’m dizzy with a corn syrup-spiked blood surge.
Can you say predictable? Can you say cliche-ridden and overwrought? Can you say gag?
Typically, I don’t like to diss other writers, and I certainly don’t want to piss off a major book publisher, given that I’d like to have a novel published one day, but, damn, I’m disappointed that Ms. Anderson is a best-selling author. I’m sure she’s a nice person and works hard on her drivel, but surely she could write a romance without resorting to phrases that have been written over and over and over and over and over and over?
I decided to skip through and see if I could at least find a decent sex scene. But over two-thirds of the way through the book, I found a paragraph indicating that our heroine was still only fantasizing about KISSING our hero, whom she met on page five. I mean, what the hell has been going on for the past 288 pages? Just fricking loaded eye contact and heaving breasts? At this point, I tossed the book into the back seat.
I guess there’s some sort of formula to this type of story–the meet cute, the conflict, the growing interest thwarted by external circumstances, the climax where the protags don’t climax, but merely kiss and express their undying love for one another. Ugh, I’m feeling nauseated again.
I guess I need to learn to say no. Even to free books. Anyone want a copy of a soon-to-be bestselling romance novel that I can’t stomach?
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I take it you’re not an avid soap opera watcher - sorry “daytime drama” watcher. She’s just giving the masses what they want. Think Robert Palmer.
Your Mother DOES NOT READ ROMANCE
novels ! YoMama
i think you should give us a couple of lines, then let us write our own twisted romance on your bloggie.
and i kina liked “cream-drizzled peaches” as a sexy image…
Wow! I don’t think I’ve ever met a book that made me throw up in my mouth?
You poor dear.
Every genre has it’s place, but not on my cliquey bookshelf! Apparantly not on yours either.
I used to love those Victoria Holt novels, and the alias novels, too (Philippa Carr, Jean Plaidy).
Here is a page I think you will find highly amusing. It’s a bunch of romance novels with the titles changed a little to suit the cover.
I didn’t say you READ them, Mom!
The writer was talking about the girl’s complexion, Ash! Though I agree that you could use the image to better advantage!
Thanks, chosha!!
You know that I enjoy trashing a book with the best of them, so it was really fun to read this! And you’re right - some kind of sex scene within those pages could have offered a little bit of redemptive value.
Would you like the “inspirational fiction” novel I got in the mail yesterday?? (Talk about not knowing who they’re sending stuff to!)
o. right.
I got a free “inspirational” (read Christian) romance novel in the mail yesterday too. It went directly to the Goodwill bag, even though I love to have piles of books on my bedside table, waiting for their turn. I guess you get what you pay for…
My Mom used to read those, but her choices always had the steamy sex scenes. Hey, if it don’t have a bulging crotch how can it be a romance?
I call them junk food books because they don’t satisfy
Wait…you read romance novels at 13?? Coooool.
If it ain’t scary or doesn’t pertain to the supernatural then I ain’t readin’ it.
Regurgitated coke has a more acidic content than a bag of lemons…..I pity you.
Foxy got a free Christian romance novel in the mail the other day too. “A Handful of Heaven” was the title. It was typical romance novel fare, without the smut (what’s the point?), though that title wins Best Ever from me.
I got a free copy too. I actually read it straight through in a day, reveling in the cheesy cliche’ and thinking wow…
but you MISSED my favorite line:
“her breasts rested like ripe melons”
That just killed me. I giggled for a good five minutes over it. teehhee.
All of us have gotten this free copy? I just assumed being a minister put me on the list. I might grab it out of my goodwill bag for the laugh autumn mentioned.
I think we’re talking about 2 different books here, Rio: one is the free Christian romance, and the other, which Autumn and I received is Sun Kissed!
Oh man, Victoria Holt was my 13 year old favorite too!
If it ain’t scary or doesn’t pertain to the supernatural then I ain’t readin’ it.