There’s a debate raging through the blogopshere, which has been brought to my attention by the audacious Ashvegas.
It seems that some men are making fun of other men for something so ridiculous and personal that I, for one, can not even begin to understand: whether or not a man occasionally sits to pee.
As the spouse and mother for two humans who get to pee through a flexible tube, I can vouch for the inability of proper aim, particularly in the middle of the night. Heck, some men I know can’t find the bathroom in the middle of the night, much less stand in the dark and aim correctly.
So, if, in the dark, in the disorientation of partial sleep, a guy needs to sit in order to relieve himself, that’s okay. Totally and completely okay.
In fact, given the amount of time I spend wiping and cleaning the damn toilet of urine splatters, I would be thrilled if my men always sat to pee. I mean, what’s the big problem? If you are going to allow other men to try to emasculate you for sitting down occasionally, you’ve got some bigger issues to deal with.
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Well. There is a topic worth addressing.
I’ll confess, I don’t know where the jury is on the topic, but I’ve been (notice been) a frequent sitter.
When you are busy it is nice to get a moment to just take a five minute “me moment.” Allow me to defend this position if I will.
As a man, we tend to pee less than women and “make a stinky” a little more frequently. Quite often these two schedules synch up so that the three times that I have to pee also fall during the time to make wolf bait.
At night darkness, dexterity and distant dreams necessitate the need to sit whilst I pee.
Often times when I’m in a hurry, and especially at public restrooms, I stand. This is done for sanitary and speed reasons.
I find that if I start unbuttoning the britches as I enter the room I can be fully exposed and ready just as I reach “Shooting distance” of the urinal. Since they are larger and higher than the standard commode they are an easy target. This makes for a speedy pit-stop.
However, my M.O. and technique are falling victim to old age. The older I get, the more pear shaped I get. Not having “hips” makes it hard to start uncovering the equipment “on approach” to the urinal (pants fall down). I’m having to slow down or wear only pants with elastic in the waist (something else old men do).
Another age problem is known as TBS - Tea Bag Syndrome. When I sit to pee I find that my aging testicles dangle lower and lower. They are now at the point of hitting the water and that can turn a tranquil “me moment” into a chilling and startling moment. Usually followed by a creepy “my balls were soaking in pee water and now I need to take a shower with steel wool” moment.
There is no graceful, comfortable, or practical way to keep ones genetalial appendages retracted and out of the pool, so standing becomes a better option.
The best way to pee (in my humble opinion) is out on the land. I dont mean in your yard, but out in the forrest or out in the pasture. All the privacy you need, and in a target rich environemnt. Besides it really fools the cayotes and other wild life. They come by and smell it thinking “What the hell? He claimed what as his territory?”
Well… I dont know if I settled the debate but there is my two peeing cents.
I’f you’ll excuse me now, all this talk has arisen the need to go… Well you know.
The issue, my dear EM, is not “whether or not a man occasionally sits to pee.” The cases to which I’m referring to are where wives (or girlfriends) order their husbands down on the seat.
It’s obvious by your post that you think it’s OK for a woman to emasculate her man, but not OK for other men to do so. This is wrong-headed thinking.
For the good of mankind, I do indeed mock the spineless squatters. Wives control every aspect of their hubby’s lives. They treat men like babies, cooking for them, cleaning for them, buying them clothes, decorating his house, doing his laundry, having his babies.
Now it seems that you’ve got penis envy so bad you want to take that away from him, too.
I thought you were for equal rights, EM? One of those women’s libbers. Where’s a guy’s right to use what God gave him in the way it was meant to be used?
Also, you make too much of this “aim” issue. Most men have no problem hitting a hole a foot in diameter with an arcing, centimeters-wide stream. A few drops here and there never hurt anything.
Stand up. Be men, you wife-minding wizzers. And come over to Ashvegas and be counted.
Ash –
It is your absolutist, polarizing “NEVER do this” language that is stifling the evolution of humanity, locking us into dumb-ass Ronald Reagen black/white thinking. I get to piss (not “pee”) off my back porch, drench the raspberry patch in the back yard, and whip it out when I want, but when it is 3am and the evening’s beers want out, I can proudly name myself amongst the innovators who will keep the light off, do a 180, plop down my fat hairy ass down on the porcelain, groan, and let loose with pride. Simply put, Ash, sitting down to piss at 3am is just a better way to do it, kinda like when we figured out to put wheels on our luggage. Not gonna save humanity, but worth defending against closed-minded idealogues like yourself.
– Enviro-spouse
“Another age problem is known as TBS - Tea Bag Syndrome.”
Cowboy, you have answered the question that has been nagging me since I first saw this post.
If I were a guy I would probably never sit. In fact, as a woman, I rarely sit, I squat, except for on my own toilet. I at least know my own toilet seat is relatively clean. If squatting isn’t possible, there’s always the layers of toilet paper between bum and seat. This works wonders for eliminating the feel of a cold toilet seat and simultaneously protecting the bum from the threat of someone else’s pee, or heaven forbid, poop germs.
Ah, this post is starting to bring back male roommate memories. Actually he was my roommate’s boyfriend who practically lived with us. Anywho, he called the bathroom floor mat “a piss mat”. He explained to me that the mat is so conveniently provided near the base of the toilet to absorb a multitude of moist sins.
I’ve never had a toilet mat in my bathroom since.
Now who’s the dumbass - he who’s got a tallywhacker and knows how to use it, or the pussywhipped wee-weer with the tail between his legs?
I’m going to take this discussion in a direction that could only come from a Texan: Sitting to pee is a tactical advantage to standing, because you have both hands free to reach your weapons. Just as a real gunfighter would never have sat with his back to the door, a true survivalist never stands to pee.
There. Never thought you’d hear that, did you?
Chad, wow. I never knew I had such a tactical advantage just by being a woman. Now I’m wondering where in the bathroom to keep my weapons.
Ash, Ash, Ash. I have not, never, ordered E-spouse to do anything. Suggested options, yes. Also, I am far from the coddling type. Never would I treat a grown man like a baby. And if women don’t have the babies, who is going to?
Greg, ummmmmm, love you. But TMI. Teabag syndrome, omg. The vision is forever branded in my brain.
Speaking of Tea, girl, glad you got rid of the piss mat. Know that when the little guy starts potty training, it may be worth reintroducing.
EM, I’ve found the Christmas gift for you and the fam.
I must have missed the argument somewhere. I ALWAYS sit during the night when it’s so dark. I should get something to read, in Braille.
any man that sits to pee is a wo-man and filthy hippy too drugged to stand degenerate liberal! And chad is probably too young to realize that (when wizzing like a man) you got your hands already on the only weapon you’ll ever need in most any kind of fight.
the strategy to which he alludes has actually proven ineffective in several historical instances.
In 1632 the British invaded Uruguay, who attempted to defend themselves with nothing more than weapons of penile destruction. The Uruguayans were defeated inslightly less than three hours.
One can also look at the uprising between the socialists and the opposition party in Lithuania in 1904 for another example of penile inadequecy in battle.
–chall
Like Paul Simon, I have no opinion about that. I have, however, just been informed by my husband that manly men drop and only a woosie would split. I have no idea what he is talking about. I do know that men don’t wipe up pee and they don’t clean out refrigerators. I also know that it’s easier to pee a male toddler in a public restroom than it is a female child. This is especially true on airplanes. I also know that, if brought up properly, a woman always squats anywhere but home both to be sanitary and to strengthen her thigh muscles.
That’s it.
wow. you sure know how to bring out the piss and vinegar on a topic EM.
Neither of my wives ever handed down a sittum dictum, and I therefore can claim no emasculation on that score.
But both wives insisted that I be the family toilet scrubber. This activity apparently falls under other male-only danger-related duties like handling of fire, manipulation of sharp unwieldy things, retrieving of high-up items, toting of heavy objects (or objects perceived to be heavy), driving of cars through inclement weather, and opening of stubborn jars.
Toilet scrubbing, of course, is the most dangerous of all these events, as it entails direct intervention in the fecal-oral vomitcycle. The residual effects of Stand-and-Splatter are but a forgotten sideshow to the hurl-fest that must surely derive from even the most casual swipe of the toxi-bowl.
It’s germ warefare. Total danger. Absolute risk. A true man moment.
As any true man knows, Sun Tzu says that you make war with your enemy on the battlefield of your choosing. As General de la Crapper, I want to have a clear shot at my foe each and every time and prefer to keep my battlefield free of unnecessary clot and obscurity. Therefore I sit, and I teach my (uncircumcised and therefore unpredictably splattery) sons to sit. “Help Daddy beat those evil insurgent germs,” I tell them. “E. coli is your greatest enemy!”
And they grow up proud to sit, and to disdain those filthy standing wretches who give aid and comfort — and a growth medium — to the enemy.
Anon, any true man also knows that Sun Tsu, author of “The Art of War,” also said: “Know thine enemy as thyself.”
Think about it. Then stand up. And be a true man.