Edgy Mama

Submitted to and rejected by McSweeney’s Internet Tendency (very nicely–read to the end for response):

Cocoa Pete’s Caramel Knowledge Chocolate Bar
I bought this chocolate bar for four reasons: 1. I can’t resist puns, particularly sexual ones; 2. I can’t resist punning that includes saucy little French phrases, as in “Caramel, dark chocolate, and a whisper of coffee…The ultimate ménage à trois;” 3. The design on the box includes a picture of a dripping slug of caramel that looks exactly like a breast or the nipple of a baby bottle (whichever you prefer), thus extending the sensual punning into the visual; 4. I adore dark chocolate, caramel, and coffee. Therefore, I was willing to pay the somewhat outrageous price for this clearly decadent bar.

The Caramel Knowledge lives up to its promise of “Moan inducing chocolate.” There is no dash—which, in addition to the capitalized “The” after the ellipsis in the description, briefly confounded me. That is, until I remembered that copy editing is NOT sexy.

The bar consists of a thick dark chocolate shell (61% cacao—more Français) filled with rich, gooey caramel that runs down your chin as you lap it up. The bar looks like four over-sized, connected, chocolate-covered cherries (or four large breasts, sans nipples). The only improvement to this bar would be to make the whisper of coffee more of a splash.

Cocoa Pete is one and the same as Wicked Pete of microbrewery fame. How many more incarnations can this guy achieve? Can he go any higher than beer and chocolate? Perhaps Pete should combine his creations and make a chocolate bar with a whisper of ale? That would be both heavenly and sexy.

McSweeney’s reply:
Hey! Copy-editing is EXCEEDINGLY sexy!! It is the sexiest of professions. In their waning years exhausted copy editors generally settle into less sensuous jobs like fireman or sculptor. That said,
Hi Anne,
Thanks for sending this. We adore the same things, mostly! But there are too many new foods in the world today and we’re gonna have to pass,
jordan